“While people sometimes describe sex as their most pleasurable act, time-management studies find that the average American adult devotes just four minutes per day to sex—almost exactly the same time spent filling out tax forms for the government.”

“Shane, get mommy a pillow.”

“If you ask me a cross that size is for a lord with a tiny dick.”

“I built this castle with my own two slaves!”

“On the whole, I'd say thinking has been a tremendous inconvenience.”

“Hurry up and finish that sandwich. Clinique here gonna take you in the other room and fuck the gay out of you.”

“There is evidence that in the past, asteroids have hit the Earth with the explosive yield of five billion Hiroshima bombs—and such evidence is difficult to find.”